Something I’ve rediscovered over the last 18 months is my love of art. It’s provided a release for me in many ways. It’s meditative. And it allowed me to cling onto my sanity during the difficult times I had last year.
I drew this piece during December of last year. I spent a few days after Christmas completing it. It allowed me to distance myself from the situation I was in, allowed me to focus and gain clarity regarding the steps I knew I had to take to extricate myself.
Christmas Day was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to deal with. Never had my suicidal ideation got to the point where I was planning exactly how I was going to take my life, and that’s exactly what I was doing that day. Prior to that, it had mostly been a general feeling of wishing to just not be here anymore. I had thought on other occasions how I might kill myself – but never had I felt the sense of calm acceptance that came over me on Christmas Day. I had a choice. Go through with it. Or refuse. Refuse to let him win. Refuse to give him the satisfaction of driving me to the brink of insanity and to death. Refuse to let him have control over me anymore. To be afraid of him. To tread on eggshells. Refuse to be so desperate to escape him that the only option I could see was utterly final. My art helped me see that there was another way. A way to be free.
Art has continued to be my companion over the last 6 months. It has been my solace. My escape. It had given light and brevity to my days, it had brought joy to the people who have been given some of the pieces that I’ve completed.
Something else to come out of this experience are several new friendships. Most notably with Adele, who is one of the most wonderful, beautiful , strong, and inspirational souls I have ever met. I will always be grateful that this experience has brought Adele and I together.
A few months ago, if someone had told me that something positive would come out of this, I would never have believed them. But I’ve gained so very much – friendships, insight, and personal growth – I won’t say that this has been the best experience of my life – far from it, it was one of the worst. But I now have so much more. More than I could ever have hoped for.
Finally, a shameless plug of my Facebook art page – a website is also on the way soon, in the meantime I’m having the best time with some of the commissions I’m working on at the moment.
Out of the darkness emerges light. Life. Love.