It was brought to my attention by someone on Thursday night (the 25th of May) that James has finally decided to break silence on the subject of our not-so-glorious union, and I was sent these screen shots. The person who told me about this, and the person who sent me these aren’t people I know, but they felt that I should be made aware of this post.
Where do I even start? Probably with a warning – this is going to be a long post, and I’m going to include a lot of evidence this time, most of which I had hoped to address in individual posts, but – fuck it – time for the skeletons to come tumbling out of the closet. I don’t really expect anyone to read all of this or check out all of the messages I’ve attached, but it’s important for this information to be out there. If you feel inclined, click on any of the blue highlighted links, and it will take you to some of the text and email conversations I had with James which are relevant to the subject, or to a page which explains more about the term I’ve used. (In order to spare my modesty, I have removed some of the text, however, the Police and Elmbridge Council received the full, unedited history of our conversations together). Honestly, I feel ashamed of some of the interactions I had with James, I feel ashamed that he was able to fool me into having a relationship – he’s toxic, and 5 months later I’m still putting the pieces back together. But I refuse to let my shame get in the way exposing this man for what he really is. It’s important to note that the police agreed with me regarding the nature of James’s character, and the officer who took my statement was shocked that nothing more could be done to bring charges against him, and the case was pushed up as far as it could be – which means a lot of people in the Northamptonshire Police Force got to see his file, and I’ve been assured that he is being monitored.
The reason he has posted this on Facebook is, of course, because he’s posturing for his newly acquired victim, whom I gather has suffered abuse – his favourite kind of woman. He posted a similar message early on in our relationship, (see below), back when I believed his web of lies and was supportive of him – he spoke repeatedly to me about going to the police about H, the ‘Rolls Royce of abusers’. Of course, he never did, and he never will go to the police about her, because he has no evidence, despite his grandiose claims, (but he’ll claim that he didn’t speak to the police because I didn’t support him enough). An element of him posting this was to condition me to expect interference in our relationship – Adele had been approached by A, the girl before her, and was warned about the kind of man James is, but it was so early on in the relationship that Adele wasn’t quite ready to hear the truth. Adele was desperate to contact me early on in my relationship with James, because she was afraid for me, but was cautioned against it in case it drove me further towards James instead of away from him – and at the time, I would have been protective of him, had she attempted to interfere. James told quite a convoluted tale in order to prepare me to bat away anyone who might contact me in relation to him, a long story of injunctions and injustice.
His opening statistic: Having one abusive relationship makes it likely, in 85% of cases, that you will have another. Clearly, he’s posting this as an attempt at proving that he has been in multiple abusive relationships. (I’m not saying the statistics aren’t true, but he’s using this to support his cause). James is a Victimised Narcissist (amongst other things – he’s also malignant and grandiose, and just plain fucking evil). This type of narcissist is in competition with everyone to have the worst sob story, as a way to ensure a constant source of empathic supply.
They tell a sorry tale of woe, a web of lies which goes back to the beginning of time, in order to garner the empathy of his supplicants and sycophants. James has told his partners various versions of his childhood, ranging from being beaten by his father, to being sexually abused whilst in foster care, leaving foster care at the age of 16, at which point he claims to have been used and passed round by a succession of older women, which was the ‘reason’ he claimed could never wear a condom. (using emotional manipulation to ‘stealth’ his targets). However, this is all bullshit. James lived with his family until the age of 18, at which point he left to go to Bristol University. (This is something I can prove, having spoken to a member of his family – I asked James once if he had any family, he told me that he did not. That’s pretty much true, as none of them want anything to do with him and they cautioned me to walk away and forget about him). His claim about being in abusive relationships is, therefore, 100% true, but he was never the victim.
It is indeed a year to they day since James moved in with me. Before he moved in, things were not a bed of roses. He had been systematically emotionally abusing me for months. He once emotionally punished me for buying a bra without including him on the decision. When he moved in, he noticed that I wasn’t wearing a necklace that he’d given me – I had taken it off to shower and hadn’t put it back on for a few days. He punished me verbally and emotionally for several days, telling me that not wearing the necklace was “showing him something” – yes, it was showing him my right to exercise absolute fucking choice over what I wear, and when I want to wear it. Eventually, I caved in and began to wear it again, for a quiet life. He also had some dangerous ideas surrounding consent – sexual or otherwise.
He would bombard me with messages, then would berate me for not responding to every single message the way he required me to. Prior to him moving in, he lived in shared accommodation – he cooked for himself, he cleaned his room (sort of) before I visited, he did his own laundry. When he moved in with me, I waited to see if he would offer to cook. To clean. Do the laundry. I waited to see if he would, in any way, contribute to the relationship equally. The moment he moved in, it seemed he expected me to wait on him. I would get in after a 10 hour day at work, and he’d be waiting for me to cook. I could chop most of my fingers off, and STILL count on one hand a number of times he did the laundry. The most I ever got out of him was some washing up. Yes, he’s disabled, but he’s able to push that pain aside, conveniently, for frisbee or sex, and you know what – at no point did I agree to take on responsibility for someone who won’t take responsibility for themselves. I’ve seen him sprint across a field to catch a frisbee on a couple of occasions, and he would never have turned down sex. But he couldn’t push his pain aside to help me out, he’d leave food wrappers and crumbs around, used plates and cups, used toothpicks – I was still finding those fucking things round the house until a few weeks ago, used and then just lobbed on the floor – and used, crispy tissues. Apparently, using a bin was too difficult for him, so I had to do that for him too. His previous girlfriends will all agree with me when I say he lives like a filthy teenager, with absolutely no respect for his surroundings or his own hygiene.
“As some of you may know I got away from her over Xmas and New Year”. Wrong. I broke up with him on the 28th of December, 2016. I told him that morning that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I went to work that day, and when I returned in the morning, I re-confirmed this to him. HE then CHOSE to leave the house for a couple of days, after slapping a letter on the table in front of me, and claimed he was going to stay with friends, when in actual fact he went to stay in a Travelodge. I gave him two months notice to quit the property, but he decided to leave a month before that. In the meantime – I WENT TO LIVE WITH MY PARENTS on the advice of the police. So I packed up what I needed in carrier bags, my parents collected my dog, and I left, returning a couple of times to get a few other pieces that I needed. For over a month, I had a 44 mile round trip to work, but obviously, he’s the one who was inconvenienced by it all. He will claim to have lost some of his possessions at this point – which consisted of a few ratty plants in the garden (so much for being green fingered, the only thing he didn’t manage to kill was his money plants), a couple of book cases, which were given to him for free, and a couple of cheap pieces of furniture – I took photos of my home when I was able to move back in, so can also prove this.
I changed the locks before I moved back, as James has a habit of keeping keys that don’t belong to him, he did this to both A and Adele – something to make them feel uneasy, who knows if he could turn up at any point? It’s a good way to control someone and keep them on edge.
Apparently, I hacked his company Facebook account – say what now? What utter rubbish, and I’d love him to try and prove that one. If he means “Tracy re-shares my content and pulls holes in it – yes, I definitely do like to pull apart his utterly unoriginal diatribe. If he’s so big in the world of DV and without peer, why does he just keep repeating the same things, over and over again? Why doesn’t he use the key terms used when discussing abusive relationships – like lovebombing? Triangulation? Baiting? Undermining? Hoovering? No, he falls back onto his favourite terms – gaslighting, power and control, ‘female perpetrator weaponry’, because if he actually knew his stuff and did his research on the world of DV, he’d come face to face with himself, and that’s painful for him, because his ego is so very fragile. He never discusses the different facets of narcissism – it’s not just a case of being overt or covert, it’s a sliding scale full of co-morbid diagnoses. He also perpetuates a very dangerous version of events – that women are the only gender to use manipulation and control, and this is utter bullshit and has no basis in fact – he only repeats this constantly because it fits his narrative, and repetition is one of the key tools of an abusive narcissist, it’s used as a form of brainwashing. And again, I’ve said it a million times – IT ISN’T GASLIGHTING IF IT’S TRUE!
As for stalking someone he apparently dated in February – no, I didn’t, again, something I am able to prove – whilst I was aware of her and who she was, I was not involved in whatever happened, and a guest post in a few days time will clarify a few points regarding this.
False allegations to the Police – here is the text from a Facebook post from a few weeks ago, where I addressed this claim of his, by specifically discussing an occasion where he deliberately baited me, baiting being a standard technique used by abusive types such as James:
“So, about those false allegations and reputations “in tatters”. James, the “founder and director” of Barnett Survivors, went to the police about me with a false allegation, claiming that I’d kicked him, and that he’d locked himself in the bathroom to get away from me. (He went to the police whilst at the same time was still texting me to say how heartbroken he was that I had broken up with him). He told them that he didn’t want to have me charged but he just wanted to register his allegation. (He thought he could frighten me with that at some point in the future – premeditation). The police didn’t take him seriously. But this was an example of an abuser attempting to gaslight services and to ruin my reputation and credibility in some way.
The incident he referred to when making his allegations to the police happened on the 11th of December. Long story short – and I’m happy to expand on this if anyone cares (stop yawning…) I didn’t want to speak to him when he tried to goad me into an argument, so went to my room. He followed me, and came in even though I’d attempted to block the door by putting something in front of it.
My recollection of that night is crystal clear. He wanted to get me worked up. He wouldn’t leave my room, and at that point I was afraid. Then a look crossed his face, the same look he’d had when on two occasions prior to this he had screamed at me and smashed his fist on the table to shut me up. I was laying in the bed and he stood over me, then pinned me down, hard enough to leave a bruise. Wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t leave the room, and when I told him I’d call the police, his response was “good luck with that”.
I wasn’t able to push him away from me with my hands, so I tried to move him away from me with my feet, which were restrained by the duvet. When he eventually let me go he told me I’d made him more disabled by indicating that I’d kicked his shin – this was physically impossible due to the height of the bed. When he realised this he backpeddled and kept trying to change the story, and used repetition to try and re-write the event in my head, claiming he held me down because I was lashing out at him (I was gesticulating at the door for him to leave, he was standing beside the bed so my gesticulations were away from him in the direction of the door, and didn’t once attempt to physically hit or lash out at him). For over an hour after this, he attempted to change the order of events, and in the days after, desperately tried to get me to put something in writing to say that I had deliberately attempted to injure him. This was a pre-meditated event which backfired, because at this point I realised what he was trying to do. He was trying to create an event which he could hold up and say “look, she abused me”, in order to deflect from the fact that he’s an evil jerkmuffin and to try and cement his position as a victim.
To say that in all cases and “without exception” that gaslighting seeks to leave a reputation in tatters is utter bullshit. Gaslighting takes many forms. It can be as simple as convincing someone on a daily basis that they’re going mad, by undermining them in small ways. But of course, that type of gaslighting doesn’t fit the narrative James is trying to perpetuate.
It’s unfortunate that someone like this is allowed to operate in the field of domestic abuse. I’ll just have to console myself with the fact that that the police and various authorities are aware of him, and not in the way he would like.”
To expand further on the incident of the 11th of December – James and I were sat in my kitchen, having what I thought was a normal conversation, and sharing some rum. Previously, he had discouraged me from drinking, for my ‘own good, however this time, he kept refilling my glass, because he planned to bait me in order to try and get me to become verbally aggressive towards him, because I believe he wanted to record the results of that. A few months prior to this, I had been drinking, and months and months of pent up aggression came spewing forth – I screamed at him, for quite some time – because he’d driven me so crazy that I couldn’t contain it anymore. In incidences of narcissistic abuse, it’s common for the victim to explode at some point – they know something is wrong, but they don’t know quite what – they’re fed up of being treated like shit, but they can’t put their finger on why, because they’re the ones who feel that they’ve been lacking, that they haven’t tried enough, because of the way they’ve been undermined and abused during the relationship. So James wanted a repeat of this, he planned it. As he kept refilling my glass, I realised something wasn’t right, so when he suddenly changed the subject to our ‘relationship’ and how it should be ’50:50′, I knew he was spoiling for a fight, and I refused to give it to him. So he followed me in order to goad me into a confrontation, and when he realised that I was not backing down and still wanted him to leave, he became physical. James says in his ‘statement’ above that “She kicked my leg, knowing it would make my upcoming lumbar root block in January exceptionally painful…”. Firstly – my trying to get you off me, whilst being restrained, using my feet, isn’t kicking – it was self defence. Secondly, unless I qualified as a doctor and wasn’t sent the memo, I couldn’t possibly know whether it would have made any procedure more painful, because as I might have mentioned above, I was panicking – if he was holding me down now, what was he going to do next? What was his potential for more violence? Was he going to hit me? What woman, when being held down by a man, would not try to defend herself against the immediate danger he was presenting? Immediately after the confrontation, I was still in my bed, and afraid. So I set my phone to record, because I didn’t know what else I could do – I couldn’t leave, I’d had a drink, and it was extremely late at night. He was physically blocking the door to my room by standing there, and I was afraid to move past him. I have about 50 minutes worth of recording, where he repeatedly tries to change the narrative, repeatedly tries to convince me I did something I didn’t by putting words into my mouth and twisting everything I said and throwing it back at me. During the course of the conversation he repeatedly raised his voice and shouted at me, interrupted me, and tried to put a spin on everything I said, and denied that he’d spent the last 12 months gaslighting me constantly, even going as far as to argue the toss regarding what gaslighting actually is. I will be adding the sound portion of the video I took soon, when I can work out how to do it, but to be honest, I doubt anyone wants to sit through 50 minutes of aural torture.
What would this ‘more typical controlling behaviour’ actually be? He doesn’t elaborate on this, because it didn’t happen, and anything he does say is a crock of shit anyway. There was no physical abuse. If by physical abuse he means I wouldn’t massage him or rub his back on demand – well then yes, I was quite remiss in my duty as his minion in that regard. What James began to do is pick fights with me all the time, in order to goad me into confrontations – there was barely a day that went by that we didn’t have some sort of conflict, which left me exhausted. I asked him to make sure the front door was locked whenever he left the house – apparently this wasn’t about security, this was about me controlling him, because how dare I wish for my house, my dog and my possessions to be safe? Totally unreasonable behaviour on my part, obviously! The arguments would take place face to face, via text, via email – endless. I was exhausted and wasn’t sleeping. James decided that moving in with me meant he could just grab my tits whenever he wanted, with no consideration at all as to my desires. Even when I asked him not to do this – when I WITHDREW MY CONSENT – he kept doing it anyway, his reason being “but I’m a bear, it’s what bears do”. Right – so bears just sexually touch someone when they’ve been asked not to? Yes, that’s exactly what bears do. If someone doesn’t consent to being touched, that’s sexual assault, and the idea that sexual assault cannot happen within the confines of a relationship is something that often goes unrecognised. This withdrawing of consent to be touched on a whim was what he deemed to be neglectful – as far as he was concerned, if I wasn’t servicing his sexual needs as and when he desired, if I wasn’t hanging on his every word, providing him with attention, if I dared to need time to myself, this was neglecting him. He would complain that I walked my dog for too long at the weekend. He would continuously check on me if I’d said I needed some time alone to recharge, or read, or work on a project, to the point where I felt badgered constantly and unable to relax. I was constantly on tenterhooks and walking on eggshells, but yes, of course, he was the one who was neglected.
Financial abuse? No, let’s talk about that in a bit more detail. This links in with him moving in. James told me he had successfully sued Elmbridge Council for sexual discrimination, and that they were going to pay his deposit for rental. . This is probably a lie – he was being provided with a deposit under the Deposit Bond Scheme, which helps people who are homeless or in sheltered accommodation find a place of their own to rent. He convinced me to help him get the deposit from Elmbridge, because, at the time, I truly believed that he had been wronged, and that he was the victim – more fool me. Once the deposit was transferred to me, he then made me transfer it to him, less the first rent payment. (See the link at the top of this paragraph). Yes, I know how this looks. It makes me look like a damned idiot, agreeing to do this for him. However, it feeds back in to the ability for narcissists to exert control over their victim, using coercive control, bullying, emotional manipulation, triangulation, and love bombing. He made me feel ashamed that I wasn’t helping him, this disabled man, “win” in his battle with the council, so I acquiesced, even though I protested against the lies he kept telling the council about me, and the ridiculous back story he fabricated. When he moved out of the house, he refused to return the deposit to me, which left me liable. So I swallowed my shame, and I contacted Elmbridge Council directly, and told them everything, and provided them with the evidence that I had also provided the police. They have ensured that their services in the area are fully aware of James and will make it difficult for him to return, should he wish to, and they are not pursuing me for the deposit funds due to the circumstances.
Further to this, before we moved in, James was exceedingly keen for us to have a joint account – he kept talking about this, until it became apparent that I really didn’t have any money, at which point he appeared to decide to drop the issue – he also, rather bizarrely, asked me once if it would help me if he took over the mortgage payments for my property – which I of course dismissed out of hand, and kept my finances entirely separate from his, and my instinct told me this was the right thing to do.
The text messages pictured further above were the last of our text exchanges – I ensured that from that point on, communication was via e-mail only. He can claim that he took my power away – but that’s not the case at all. I took his away. He didn’t think I’d go through with breaking up with him – I’d tried to break up with him on multiple occasions, but he had talked at me until he made me believe that I was in the wrong, and that I needed to do better. This happened 5 or 6 times during the course of the relationship. I stopped responding to him with any sort of emotion, despite his attempt to ‘hoover’ me, a classic narcissistic technique used to try and re-engage the victim and draw them back in. Several times after I broke up with him, he tried to push for a face to face meeting, because he ‘had something big’ to say to me – he mentioned it in text message and in some of the emails I’ve attached elsewhere in this monstrous blog post – I refused. I never wanted to see him or speak to him in person again. So he can claim to have taken my power away, but in reality the reverse was true, which was why he left so very quickly – he was on the run, because I finally stood up to him and stopped taking his crap.
I’m not going to lower myself to responding to his comments about lacking intelligence. The reason my allegations to the police were unable to go further is because, unfortunately, the kind of male perpetrator weaponry James uses flies mostly under the radar – the insidious nature of his covert narcissistic abuse isn’t, unfortunately, illegal, so he’s been able to operate for all these years without fear of reprisal, and he will keep doing so until the law on this subject is changed – he uses the words ‘bat it off so easily’ like he actually had to fight it in some way – he didn’t, and as I’ve said, the officer who took my statement did his best to push this as far as it would go. James doesn’t have a clue how typical he is. I’ve spoken to a large number of women who have been in similar situations, and have suffered exactly the kind of abuse he likes to mete out – hundreds of thousands of women have suffered narcissistic abuse – they even all use the same key stock phrases, it almost seems like they’ve all attended a school dedicated to the low art of narcissistic abuse. As for the use of ‘gaslighting……to isolate and or discredit the male victim’ – it is NOT just female perpetrators who gaslight, isolate and discredit their victims – this is very much within the remit of the male abuser – James will talk about how it’s always clumsy when men do it, and I agree, his attempts to gaslight, discredit and isolate me are, in fact, really quite clumsy. I have also spoken to several of his ex girlfriends, who all tell a similar story, however as they don’t wish for him to be able to identify them directly, I’m not able to speak about any specific incidents which occurred between them.
‘Accordingly, Tracy will be maintaining the following….’
Actually no, I’ve never said to anyone that he is making up his back and leg problems. But having seen him sprint across a field to catch a frisbee, and having seen him walking, quite quickly, without the aid of a stick and no trace of a limp, shortly after he had his lumbar procedure (whilst I was waiting in traffic on my way to work, for some reason he felt the need to be in my neck of the woods on that particular morning), I’ve come to doubt his claims that his back and leg are as bad as they are. I have no evidence of this, of course, just a gut feeling based on the fact that when his lips are moving, he’s lying. Other girlfriends also have a similar suspicion regarding his leg, as it would always become conveniently bad whenever he was on the losing end of a logical argument, or he would use it as a form of emotional manipulation to get us to feel sorry for him.
Yes, I do believe his company is a front for his misogyny. Just a cursory glance at his Twitter feed, and the nature of his Facebook posts, and based on my own conversations with him about the evil at the heart of Feminism, confirm this to me. He bangs on about a documentary which came out called Red Pill, but fails to mention that the woman behind the documentary is aligned with the Alt Right movement, and her articles are frequently to be found published in Breitbart. Not exactly a balanced view. His company is also another way for him to ensure a continued narcissistic supply, by promoting his page he builds his army of sycophants and sympathisers. He convinces victims that they have been more abused than they actually have been, because it’s also a good way to ensure he gets the paychecks rolling in for his ‘assistance’.
Within my statement to the police, at no point, at all, did I accuse James of being a rapist, but it’s interesting to me that he should say that, particularly as he enjoys being sexually aggressive and dominant, and he often said to me, and to previous partners, that we are not to say no to him in the bedroom (I have proof of this). He also has absolutely no way of knowing exactly what was said in my statement, because as far as I am aware, the police have not spoken to him regarding the content of it. That said, I did tell the police about two incidents which caused me considerable pain, and for which he showed absolutely no remorse. On one occasion, he was so rough with me, that it left me curled in the foetal position and sobbing, whilst in intense pain. There was no attempt from him to console me. On another occasion, he snapped my head back so hard by pulling my hair, he injured my neck and shoulder, and again, I was left sobbing and in pain, with no consolation or apology from him. He showed a staggering lack of empathy, and that injury still causes me problems across my shoulders and back now. But at no point have I claimed that he is a rapist.
I am not a victim. I have never claimed to be a victim, and his claim that I say that I’m a perpetual victim is a lie, plain and simple. I own my problems, and take responsibility for them – James, on the other hand, claims to have been a victim from the day he was born, all the way through foster care (can he provide any evidence from the state regarding his claim that he was in foster care? No, I doubt very much that he can, because it isn’t true). He claims to have to fight everyone, from the Council, to Parcelforce. Everyone, in his eyes, is utterly incompetent.
Does no one think its rather concerning that, once every two years, from 2013, someone has come forward with claims of abuse, relating to James? Because I do. It points to a pattern, and not the pattern of a victim, but of a serial abuser, which is exactly what James is. Added to that – I think he’s been single for about 4 weeks in the time between me breaking up with him and now – he can’t bear to be alone, because being alone means he has no supply. He was on OK Cupid looking to line someone up before I even broke up with him, because he was preparing for his own ‘discard’ of me.
As for his claim that he’s going to ‘sue Tracy’s raggedy ass’. I actually laughed out loud at this point, and had to step away from my computer to compose myself. It costs around £20k, probably more, to see a litigation case through as a civil matter, added to that, I can prove that what I am saying is true, as I have evidence to back it up, alongside evidence which others are prepared to provide, and he would have to prove that what I had said about him was, in fact, a falsehood. Additionally, even if, by some strange alignment of the planets, that he manages to save the amount of money required to sue me whilst on benefits, and find time between working 117 odd cases via his company and playing frisbee on his dodgy leg, he wouldn’t go through with it anyway, as he risks exposing himself as the very thing he claims not to be once the truth comes out in court.
Yes, there are monsters out there, and the monster in this instance is James. Anyone who is friends with him, should definitely be on their guard.
To the people he thanked in his post – some of you simply tried to help someone you thought was in need – and you are good people. For some of you, he has exaggerated your involvement in order to draw you into commenting on his post. The rest of you – stop fucking enabling him. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You buy into his lies, one after the other, never stopping to think if there’s actually a shred of truth in what he says – you blindly agree with him, yet know nothing of the trail of evil he has left in his wake. Open your eyes to the fact that multiple women have come forward with their own version of events. Is every single one of us abusive? Has he really been so unlucky that he has been picked up by multiple abusive partners, or is he, in fact, the abuser? Or maybe you just like watching the shit show, without ever thinking of what he’s doing, who he’s hurting now or who he’s going to hurt next.
Finally, to his current or future partners – please, please, please – trust your gut instinct. Like I should have trusted mine, like Adele and A wished they had trusted theirs, plus others who I cannot mention here. There are a few of us who are prepared to speak to you, if you wish – it isn’t just me, I’m not a lone, spurned and scorned ex – no, I’m one of a number of Barnett’s Survivors, and we are here to speak to anyone who needs it.